It always hits me out of nowhere, but feelings of sadness and rage come over me at the same time.
The answer that goes through my head is: "Are you freaking kidding me?! Do you realize how hard it was for me to get her here? What kind of gut does it take to ask a person that who almost died to bring her last kid in to the world? Don't you realize that my health, home, and life would all flunk that inspection test you have to do for that adoption stuff? Not to mention how poor we already are. And do you really think I want some stranger deeming me an unfit mother in her unkempt home, with her crappy health card?! No. Unless a stork really does deliver babies to people's doorsteps, or the clouds open up and baby falls into my arms, no. None of y'all's business, yo."
But, the good Christian in me replies: "Well...you know, that is only for the Lord to know. I suppose when and if the time is right, He'll open doors." And I leave it there before my blood pressure sends me to the emergency room.
Now, I have to be a little light here, because there are poor, unsuspecting souls who innocently ask me that question who have no clue that I deal with depression, or have major heart issues, exacerbated by the last child, or know anything about me at all. But I really do get wrecked by pregnancy announcements, and the baby aisle, and when my child asks for a sister. It super-duper sucks. But those are the moments, I have to breathe in deep and remember contentment.
Because I can stop and remember that I do have a child, who is healthy, who is happy, who is spoiled rotten. I can stop and say "thank you" to God another time for her, in the midst of the "another baby" rant in my mind. I truly believe we can find healing after we choose to seek contentment.
I believe we can truly apply this to any area of our lives that leaves a bitter or saddened feeling. There are some things we read in the Bible about contentment:
It is a choice. Paul states that he has learned to find contentment in every situation, at his lowest and when he had much. (Philippians 4:11-12) Contentment is not an easy thing, and it takes practice and choosing over and over to use it.
God can help you with contentment. Paul goes on to say in verse 13, "I can do all things through Him Who gives me strength." While contentment is a hard thing to grasp when your blood pressure is raging, or you mind is telling you that nothing is fair, or when another devastation hits, God can show you the strength to keep going. It takes time. It's so tiring, but it will happen if you rely on Him.
Contentment is the seed for healing. When I see families with all of their kids and know that the kids have someone else to play with. Christmases are energy-filled. And the dinner table is well-rounded, I can feel some healing. Because I remember that I am so content with my child's big imagination, and the fact she is in love with her cousins, and that she doesn't need help creating energy at Christmas. I can look at our photos around the house with the three of us, and know that we are perfect as three. And if God decides to add more, I will be content with that.
Healing can come when we can find contentment in even the hardest parts of life. Paul displayed this well, as he went through hardships and blessings throughout ministry. Trust God's plan. There is a reason He gave me one child. There is a reason He even gave me A child! I trust that He will carry us where we need to land, and He will open any doors that need to be opened. I can be happy when He blesses others, because I have blessings of my own that make the most sense to me, no matter what others think about our family dynamics.
Scripture to Read:
Philippians 4:4-20, 1 Timothy 6:6-10
Questions to Ponder:
What is something you are trying to find contentment in right now?
How can you begin the process of healing and reminding yourself to see what you have, rather than what you don't have?
What is the difference between contentment and complacency? Why should you strive for contentment, but avoid complacency?
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